How to solve the Senate crisis

Posted at 01/30/2013 5:58 PM

What a mess our Senate is in. Bickering. Plagiarism. Shady gift-giving. Shocking personal attacks and innuendoes of sweetheart deals, or deals with sweethearts.

It's a breakdown that is distracting our beloved senators from doing their regular jobs, namely figuring out how to help themselves to more of the people's money while plotting how to have themselves reelected.

We all know what the solution to this deadlock is -- of course we do! The senators should first of all sit down together in a spirit of earnest professionalism and cooperation. Then they should look each other honestly in the eye. And then they should form new committees.

Sure! More committees mean more committee heads and more allowances. Before you know it, busy, busy senators will forget all their squabbling as they roll up their sleeves and put all their energies into preparing lists of relatives and cronies to hire as staff.

Below are the names of committees that urgently need to be formed.

Soon, everyone will happily go back to their regular duties, namely figuring out how to help themselves to more of the people's -- what do you mean, I already said that?

Committee to Investigate Ang Kahoy. This will be tasked to find out just how many senators live in houses made of wood that was provided by Senator Juan Ponce Enrile. It will NOT investigate dead wood like some senators who just sit there staring into space. It might investigate Congress, which is after all suspiciously called the lower HOUSE, and if it's a house, it might have wood and it might belong to Enrile.

Committee on Ways and Means to Get Senators More Money. Because it's not enough. It's never enough. We want more! More! MWAHAHAHA. Don't you just love being a Senator? You aren't one? That's just too bad.

Committee on Special Occasion Office Rentals. This will investigate accusations that Senate facilities are being used for private partying purposes. After an investigation, the committee will then: (1) set competitive rates for renting Senate facilities; (2) decide how much talent fees for a dancing Senate President - should it be on a "bump and wiggle" basis, for instance; (3) determine whether packages should come with balloons and clowns, subject to the availability of the Senate Majority Floor Leader.

Committee to Count How Many Marcos Relatives and Cronies There Are in Congress. The figure seems to spinning out of control and people are losing count. This will work on legally fixing the number of Marcos family members and cronies allowed in Congress at either "100" or "All of them."

Committee to Investigate the Anne Hathaway Interview. Setting up this committee will show the Senate is in touch with reality and knows what the most urgent concerns of the public are. Among other things, the committee will fix by law how many times the words "Lea Salonga" can be mentioned in such interviews.

Committee to Investigate Plagiarism. A group formed for the specific purposes of passing legislation that will allow wholesale copying when it is done by anyone named "Senator Sotto".

Committee on Wheelchairs. Tasked to make sure that there will be an ample supply of this vital transport in the coming months, as politicians facing arrest for corruption suddenly start suffering medical emergencies necessitating their immediate confinement in plush hospitals. On wheelchairs.

Committee to Look At Cartoon Word Balloons Over Certain Senators' Heads. This is upon the special request of the Senate Majority Floor Leader, who suspects that the balloons contain words such as "TANGA" and "IDIOT" - especially when his fellow senators are looking in his direction.