Family Inc.

Posted at 11/14/2012 12:47 AM

Hold it right there. Stop it. Enough, we say.

Don't you people know you are trashing a sacred, ancient and beloved institution?

We of course, are talking about "political dynasties." We put it in quotes because we don't really like the term, we prefer using something less loaded such as "heritage service."

And it IS a service that dynasties provide, you critics just don't appreciate it. Think of the advantages for the people in a city or province that has a political dynasty. Off the top of our head we can come up with two:

Savings - with only one family around, there's no need to keep painting over those huge names stuck onto public buildings after each election. All you'll need to do is just add a number to the existing name ("Filemon Matababoy III Sports Auditorium and Public Market")

Brand recognition - because there's only one dominant political family, when you're beaten up in a party or at a parking lot by a rich young thug and his guards, you'll immediately know the chances are it's a member of the ruling clan, so you won't bother to press charges. There will be no waste of taxpayer money on futile judicial exercises.

You see, it's like this. Some families own computers, others own cars and still others houses. Well, some families just happen to own provinces. What's wrong with that? As a matter of fact, provinces are harder to maintain. To begin with, they have no warranties: if a province breaks down, it's not like you can take it to the computer repair shop at the mall or anything. So, you see, it's actually a sacrifice on the part of the dynasties to run these places.

Why build a dynasty? Let's say you're a warlord with lots of cash. You've constructed mansions all over the province, killed off all your enemies and their families, bought up all the judges, generals and police in sight. You're growing old. What else is there to do? Watch the Food Network? No, what you do is the right thing: hand everything over to the most responsible, trustworthy and politically able people you can find -- namely your children.

Of course, it's undeniable that members of a political dynasty have a few perks. For example, if there are young married couples in the clan, instead of leaving their kids at a day care center, they get to park them at any City Hall office, with salaried positions. Before you know it, the little ones will be all grown up into warlords. All they'll need is lots of taxpayers money and off they go into heritage service.

And not to get too sentimental here, but every political patriarch must know that happy look a young member of the clan gets when he receives that extra special birthday present --a vice mayoralty, wrapped complete with its very own election registrar. You won't get smiles like that even with an iPad Mini. Before you know it, the young guy will be off recruiting his own goons and stockpiling ammo. While you sit back and sigh and recall the time you got your very first backhoe.

Political dynasties are a beloved part of our culture. Besides you can't fight physics: have you ever heard of the Theory of Relativity? Well, you can't get any more relatives than with a dynasty.

Don't call it an "anarchy of families", call it "Family Inc", where everybody gets a share. Everyone knows that under a political dynasty -- er, heritage service -- the taxpaying public can expect the wealth to cascade down to them. All the public has to do is just wait in line behind the family's sons, grandsons, great grandsons, mistresses, cronies, guards, drivers, lawyers, hired killers, etc.

So, don't worry poor people and voters, something will turn up. Probably a kubrador.

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.