Auguries for 2013
As we Filipinos wave goodbye to the year just departed, we take a short moment to think of a few things.
First, we contemplate that, thanks to an unfortunate combination of alcohol and firecrackers, some of us are waving goodbye with fewer fingers than what we had when December started.
Second, we reflect that karaokes really, definitely should be classified as weapons of mass destruction. At the very least, UN teams should be monitoring their use. Preferably in my neighbor's house.
Third, we all realize that no celebration of New Year is complete without that great Filipino tradition: listening to hucksters make predictions about the coming year.
Everybody knows that Filipinos love consulting manghuhula. Why, only this week one of our neighbors lost an iPad cover inside her house and she immediately did the expected rational thing - consult a manghuhula. And what did the seer say? Parting the mists of time and space, calling on divine spirits, she escried that the culprit was "a small, old woman."
Now, I'm pretty sure Gloria Arroyo doesn't need the extra charge on her rap sheet, but anyway if it does go to court, she'll probably dodge it by bringing a counter-witness, namely her own manghuhula. Who, I expect, will say the iPad cover thief is actually "a tall, balding president whose family name has a 'q' in it somewhere. Definitely balding."
But really, come on: every year newspapers run all these hack forecasts. You'd think the editors would at least ask sensible questions such as: "Will I have a better job than what I have right now?" or "will we finally give out accurate circulation figures?" (the answer to both is HA HA).
Instead, they give column inches to rambling mystic psychics -- or psychic mystics -- who say anything. Has anyone actually tried checking previous predictions? FYI, among those that manghuhula made last year for 2012 are: a Republican would win the Presidential election (Obama, you've got some explaining to do); there'd be a coup attempt linked to the Corona impeachment; there'd be a huge earthquake; Pacquiao would beat Marquez; Gloria Arroyo would be able to leave the country. Well, I checked all of those and I can tell you, Pacquiao definitely did NOT beat Marquez.
And furthermore, If all you need to do to make predictions is list any old thing that nobody will bother to verify, then I can very well compile my own auguries for this year. Here's the list:
There will be an election this year. Its favorite color will be blue. If you don't believe me, go ahead and ask it.
In a grade school somewhere in the country, a student will forget to bring his lunchbox. There will be sadness.
Numerous officials will repeatedly drive in and out of Malacañang Palace. In cars.
The Palace will be rocked by a scandal that will be called "iPad Covergate."
More political leaders will end up using environmentally-friendly transport, namely the wheelchair.
2013 will DEFINITELY be the year President Aquino will finally, conclusively, destroy the Philippines. Yep. You bet. This can be clearly seen by anyone who charts how the three malign stars, Doronilux, Tiglaus and Olivaritas are transiting the House of Pompous Maximus in ascendant conjuction with the constellation Douchebax.
The local communist movement will make tremendous advances. Specifically, it will make tremendous advances in making the public realize that the local communist movement still exists.
Finally, putting an end to a grudge that's threatening to spin out of control into enmity, Marquez will marry Pacquiao. Lots of people will be surprised.
Facebook's privacy rules will finally become understandable (I consider this to be my most daring forecast).
In an unusual move, government will either ban the use of firecrackers during New Year's eve, or decree that they be exploded in special places. Inside my neighbor's karaoke, for instance.