A highly-paid "medical expert" yesterday warned that imprisoned senators are at risk from a rare and possibly deadly condition.
According to Syd Bragsafe (MyD), the condition is called "Being In Jail" and could pose a serious life risk.
Bragsafe, who said his MyD abbreviation stood for "Maybe Doctor" explained: "Being In Jail - or BIJ as I like to call it -- is highly dangerous to the health of senators, and other top politicians for that matter. These are the people who are the most sensitive to BIJ, and who have extreme reactions to it."
He listed the key symptoms to watch out for.
"It usually starts as a mild discomfort, a migraine perhaps. But it develops into extreme nervousness and agitation. Eventually it can grow into a dangerous feeling of suffocation marked by compulsive walking around in circles."
Asked what he meant by "eventually", he replied, "within five minutes of being locked up."
Bragsafe said: "You have to understand, BIJ is dangerous because a senator has been removed from life-nourishing factors such as swimming pools, junkets abroad, power-tripping convoys, condos, plagiarized privilege speeches and rooms full of cash. A senator develops BIJ because he is in a hostile environment. There's no airconditioning, no TV, no cable, no jacuzzi, no goons, no bodyguards, no women."
He added, "there is also the matter of the size of the jail cell -- in BIJ, a senator has an extreme reaction to being confined in a small room because he is used to living in a mansion where the bathrooms alone are the size of a small subdivision."
The medical expert warned that in such cases, a patient deteriorates rapidly. "Their normal thick skin starts to turn brittle, then various body parts might fall off - for which we will of course hold the government responsible."
He said "the BIJ patient will suffer a massive inflammation of their wallets, which can only be relieved through procedures undertaken by experts such as myself."
These procedures, he claimed, are so delicate that "I will need constant infusions of cash -- almost as much as the senators' lawyers get."
But he said even such procedures aren't guaranteed to stop BIJ. According to Bragsafe: "Soon a critical threshold is reached: before you know it, the patient is talking to God, but God refuses to return the calls. Then the senator afflicted with BIJ starts playing with toy trucks, or even worse, starts singing. This is a really nasty stage and some experts, namely myself, consider it close to terminal."
Asked for the time span of the disease's progression, Bragsafe said, "anywhere from one to three days after the patient is locked up."
He held out one possible cure for a BIJ patient. "It's an extremely rare and dangerous operation that I call 'jail transplant.'
"This involves injecting the senator's body with alcoholic beverages, delicately putting it in a stretcher and then ever so carefully transferring it to another jail. Preferably in another country. Preferably in Las Vegas. Preferably in a hotel."
According to Bragsafe, the "success rate of this procedure is 100 percent."