Senators vow to be more secretive next time they steal people's money

Posted at 08/06/2014 4:33 PM

Shocked by public fury over the pork barrel scandal and the arrest of some of their colleagues, senators have vowed to do better in hiding their graft and corruption from the public.

According to low level political operator, Chewie Leng, "our senators have pledged to an informal covenant that next term, they will take concealment of their illegal activities up to a new level."

Leng, who claimed to own, manage, and do the laundry for his company, Furry Little Idiot Political Enterprises, said "our senators have learned their lesson; they promise to do their very best to make it impossible for ANYONE to detect them the next time they steal public funds."

Last year, widespread anger erupted when a whistleblower claimed that for years, a yet unknown number of senators had stolen hundreds of millions of taxpayers' money. They did it by channeling "pork barrel" discretionary allotments to bogus organizations, pocketing vast amounts in kickbacks. The scam involved senators, their aides, a fixer named Janet Napoles and line agency officials who took bribes.

The subsequent government investigation, which is still ongoing, led to the arrest of Napoles, three senators and several others accused of running the scam.

"It was all too open, too blatant, they became overconfident," Leng said. "I mean, come on, having your PICTURES taken with the woman you're supposed to be stealing billions with with? How secret is that? Now the Senate's image is at an all-time low."

Leng explained the fallout of the pork scam prompted senators to do serious soul-searching, but then "they discovered they already sold their souls."

So, instead, he said, the senators committed themselves to a drastic four-point legislative program.

"Number one, all whistleblowing will be declared illegal. That will solve most of the problems.

"Number two, the Commission on Audit (COA) and other investigative bodies will be restructured such that all positions in these groups can only be filled by relatives of senators.

"Number three, senators will no longer pay for expensive mansions for their mistresses and families. They'll let the gambling and drug lords do it for them.

"Number four, no more toy trucks in the session hall. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with pork, but most of the senators are just seriously sick of that crap, you know?"

Leng said "the senators really feel bad they let the public down in failing to conceal their illegal activities. They hope this package of reforms will restore the public's faith that the Senate will once again leave everyone in the dark, letting the public sleep better."

He added that work will start "as soon as we determine exactly how many senators haven't been arrested yet."