A new year begins tomorrow - may your year be blessed, despite the financial crises, the politicking, and the vicissitudes swirling around us.

Take heart. Today I will give you some tips for some New Year’s resolutions vis-a-vis your family life. Hope these help.

WHILE YOU ARE DATING:

1. Talk about money: How do you feel about it? Did you have a deprived childhood? Do you know how to save? Do you get the latest gizmo you think you-cannot-possibly-live-without as soon as you get some money in your pocket?

Do you use a bank? Is it rural or large commercial? Do you like taking risks with money? Do you believe that a man should pay for all your dates? Do you believe that the two of you must share and share alike? Do you believe that he/she who earns more should take care of more of the expenses?

Or haven’t you thought about money at all as you have a trust fund? Or doting parents? Or you have no money to worry about?

2. Talk about entering into a pre-nuptial agreement should you decide you want to marry. It doesn’t matter if you have no money today; you must not believe that you will remain poor forever.

Be aware that if you marry without a pre-nuptial agreement (or a marriage settlement, which is what the Family Code calls a pre-nup) everything you already have will be shared equally with your spouse as soon as you say “I do.”

So, that little car you bought before you married? That little studio you worked so hard to pay for when you got your first job? Those blue-chip shares of stock you inherited when you were 15 years old? All that, without a pre-nup, will be co-owned by your spouse.

3. Do not marry a person whose family you have not interacted with. Do not marry a person you have known less than two years. Do not marry because you are pregnant.

Do you like the relatives? Do you think they will be your friends even after the marriage is over for any reason?

Try to travel with the person you think you want to marry. The hassles of travel will reveal a person’s personality. So, what are the parents of your fiancé like? Is the mother abused? Is the father a brow-beaten spouse? The patterns of childhood will repeat in marriage.

Oh, and do not marry a person who is about to go abroad for any reason. You will regret it, especially if you are the one left behind. The wedding day - however happy and joyful - is only one day of the rest of your life.

4. Talk about children. Do you want them? Does your fiancé want any? I have heard some tragic tales. One woman was so terrified when she found out that she was pregnant (as her husband had made it clear, day one, that he didn’t want any children) that she almost died of an ectopic pregnancy. The couple is now apart; she can’t have any more children; and he has a child by another woman. Humph.

5. What are your expectations? People do not change. If you will not change, why will you expect your fiancé to change? A man who likes his barkada will continue to like his barkada even after marriage. A woman who is a spendthrift will continue to be a spendthrift after marriage. No-one can change anybody. Let not that be an expectation. Take it, or leave it.

WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED:

1. If you have a pre-nup, be clear about who will pay for what. You should both put in a common fund a certain amount every month.

So that you do not fight, know how much your expenses are every month: grocery, wet market, rent, utilities. Expenses increase when the children come: education, baon, clothes, and transportation. Make sure neither of you uses the money in this common fund for your personal expenses. Use only what is in your separate account.

If one of you earns more than the other, the higher wage-earner puts in a little more. Work out the proportions. Get an accountant to help you. Treat marriage funds as a business and you won’t go wrong.

2. Know that if you decide to stop work and stay at home, you will be completely dependent on the working spouse. What if that spouse dies? Or becomes too ill to work? Or loses his job? Or leaves you?

On a more practical level, how will you buy that new cell phone or those lovely pair of shoes if you do not have your own bank account. Think: did your parents waste their time and hard-earned money sending you to a great school for you to just waste your talents and your education?

3. Do you understand that if you decide to stay at home, the working spouse may lose interest in you? Domestic concerns pall. Who wants to hear about recalcitrant household help, a colicky child, the garbage man who did not come? Not anyone I know after a long hard day at work.

4. Promise yourself (teach your girl-children) the first time you are hit - leave the house. It gets worse. Despite his abject apologies, he will do it again. You can die. And your children will learn that it is OK to suffer abuse or to be abusive. Domestic violence is a crime. The wonderful and wealthy lifestyle you have cannot compensate for the abuse.

5. If your spouse abuses any child - leave with the children. The abused child will never trust the parent who did not protect the child from the abuse. Child abuse is a crime. Your child prefers to be poor and peacefully happy than to be rich and abused.

IF YOU DECIDE THE MARRIAGE IS OVER:

1. Get the best family lawyer you can afford. The best friend in high school who became a lawyer and is working for a top accounting firm is not the lawyer you need, even if she will not charge you. Your uncle who is a partner of the top labor law firm in the country is not the lawyer you need, even if he will not charge you.

Think: how much did your wedding cost? Why now will you stint on legal services when you have the rest of your life to live?

2. Know that it is better to have a bad agreement on property than to remain in court for years. Do a cost-benefit analysis. Do not say: I am doing this for the children that is why I am holding out for more. That is a lie. You are doing this for yourself: you want revenge.

3. Know that, in the end, marriage is who gets what. Neither of you will remember why you married in the first place: unless you married because you were pregnant. The children will be used as negotiating tools, unless you remember that children do not ask to be born. Treat children with respect.

Ask: what is more important to you? Money or freedom?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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